Yet another relationship poll, speak up and be heard!

[jeffreyab]

[Poll #744419]

Comments

[ponsdorf.livejournal.com]

If a possible partner is passionate about something you are not, like golf or science fiction you should:

I'm surprised that most respondents suggest this element can be ignored?

The key word is 'passionate'. If someone simply has a hobby, no big deal.

Say someone has a whole room dedicated to Star Wars, costumes and memorabilia, ALL the DVDs, can discuss the back story of the Star Wars universe in detail, can quote large sections of dialog, etc.

Pretty hard to ignore, I think.

[sphinxgurl.livejournal.com]

Well I clicked ignore because there wasn't an option that really fit. Sure I wouldn't ignore a passion/obsession, but I wouldn't "move on" because of it (unless I was weirded by it), and I wouldn't necessarily want to "get interested in it" either.

Just like I'm passionate about a few things, example my sorority, but I obviously wouldn't expect a guy to get interested in it.

[thatguychuck.livejournal.com]

I skipped MANY questions because I didn't agree with any (either) of the answers.

I left the love at first sight question blank because there wasn't an option for "I don't know."

[tlatoani.livejournal.com]

Jeff, here's my answer: stop overthinking. This kind of thrashing is *exactly* the wrong way to go about finding a partner. All it does is make you more stressed on the topic, and believe me, desperation shows.

Women certainly aren't allergic to you, so I'm guessing your two problems are (1) obsessive overthinking and (2) being a resident of Sarnia. What you need to do is start getting out and meeting people with similar interests. If that isn't possible in Sarnia, then decide whether living there or having a relationship is more important to you.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

believe me, desperation shows.

Usually it's women who have that issue, since single straight women outnumber single striaght men.


'm guessing your two problems are (1) obsessive overthinking and (2) being a resident of Sarnia.

Or (3) he's rejecting available women that don't meet his standards.


I don't think Sarnia is the issue; I used OkCupid, centered a search on Sarnia, and found several women in a reasonable age group with a high match percentage.

I also think that finding similar interests among the people you meet is more practical that finding people with obvious similar interests. I watch television all the time, but if I met someone who spent their time watching American Idol or Survivor, or sports or music channels, television wouldn't become the thing we had in common. Communication is certainly key, but the keys to communication are listening and in saying what matters; communication is something you do, not something you find.

[ponsdorf.livejournal.com]

I'll stick with 'move on' although I admit the poll could been better designed.

The issue may well depend on the level of 'passion' as you note.

I have come across women (I'm a straight guy who has been married over 30 years) who are so into certain things that their obsession is way more than I could deal with. I'd extend that to potential friends of all genders with ease.

[tlatoani.livejournal.com]

Usually it's women who have that issue, since single straight women outnumber single striaght men.

Ask the women you know. There are plenty of men who have that issue, despite the statistics.

Or (3) he's rejecting available women that don't meet his standards.

Possibly, but whether that's reasonable or not depends on his standards.

I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at on the interests thing, but "television" is way too broad. However, there are things that may matter. For one thing, Jeff is a full-on SF geek. I don't mean that as an insult, I mean it as a statement of fact. It's a major part of his life. It's reasonable for him to want someone who either shares that, or at least would be amenable to it. I doubt there are too many latent SF geek women in Sarnia.

[mycrazyhair.livejournal.com]

Sarnia may not be the whole problem, but it's really not very big. It's a helluva lot easier to find someone if the pool is 1000 times as large as the current pool of potential mates.

[rmeidaking.livejournal.com]

You're verging on obsession with relationships. You need a new, different hobby. Heck, you might meet someone there! :-)

Have you considered taking up a mostly-women-do-it hobby like cooking or knitting or Beanie Baby collecting? Guys who can cook generally get snapped up pretty quick.

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

Guys who can cook generally get snapped up pretty quick.

Yet more evidence that I defy all odds when it comes to relationships.

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

Jeff, here's my answer: stop overthinking.

Indeed. My worry, Jeffrey, is that you are unhappy and you think that a relationship is what you need to make you happy. Thinking that way puts way too much stress on any budding relationships you may have or will have.

It can also put major stress on any relationship when you realize it's not making you bouncy-bouncy happy.

Loneliness sucks. It can and will depress the hell out of you. But a good friendship can fix that. Do you have a good social network? If not, work on that, not on finding a lover.

Happy people are more attractive by far.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about 2 of my last blind dates that went no where because I was not an avid camper or scubadiver.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Yes I am overthinking but given my experience just laying back and living my life is not going to work.

Well since moving before retirement is not an option, I am contemplating singlehood for now.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

What area and age ranges did you use?

Yes Ann Arbor has some matches but that would be a long distance relationship.

[sphinxgurl.livejournal.com]

yeah so if the passion takes up a lot of time, it can be a "move on" situation, or get interested, depends on the passion.

Just like my dancing - I dance 2-4 times a week and love it, so anyone I date would have to get used to me not being available every night and that I go out of town at least once a month. Some might be able to adapt to that, some might not.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'm just going to come out and say it:

Either your standards are too high, and there are compatible women in Sarnia that would make you happy, but who you don't consider potential partners; or there isn't anyone in Sarnia who will make you happy.

I suspect the former. Putting "attractiveness" as your very first requirement, and expecting "love at first sight" in speed dating are not realistic expectations. You *are* overthinking, as others have said. You have described disappointment when a first date didn't have you falling head over heels in love immediately.

Speed dating, and first dates, is for elimating the obvious "nos." Dating leads to friendship (or not), which leads to love (or not). Love takes time, and getting to know someone.

How compatible do you have to be? That's another choice you have to make, but perhaps you should keep in mind that the choices you have made so far are not making you happy, so perhaps making different choices would make you happier. If you meet someone with interests you don't share, would you be able to go along (perhaps you will find you enjoy that hobby), or accept that you would still have more time with her than you have now?

If in fact there isn't a single compatible woman in all of Sarnia, you can decide that Sarnia isn't the whole universe. If you value your career more than having a relationship, then accept that a long distance relationship is better than no relationship at all. Or, if it isn't, then accept that you have made that choice, and no amount of relationship polls will give you a different answer.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Dancing is a fun thing to do so I would think you could introduce a person to it.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I think once you get settled in, try taking some cooking courses and dazzle them with your skill and then casually mention you own a motorcycle.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

Usually it's women who have that issue, since single straight women outnumber single striaght men.

Ask the women you know. There are plenty of men who have that issue, despite the statistics.

That's really not the same issue. Rejecting or being rejected by all the available partners is not the same as there not being any available partners. Straight men over 35 don't have to be single.


Or (3) he's rejecting available women that don't meet his standards.

Possibly, but whether that's reasonable or not depends on his standards.

Exactly. The problem isn't the women, it's the standards.


For one thing, Jeff is a full-on SF geek. I don't mean that as an insult, I mean it as a statement of fact.

There are several points on this:
(1) There are quite a lot of very loose women in fandom. It's impossible to go to a convention and not meet some.
(2) No matter how broad or narrow the category, one can find different aspects of a particular interest. One can either learn to appreciate someone else's interests, or not.
(3) I've never met anybody that I shared zero interests with. Sometimes it takes effort to find things to talk about.

Seems to me if one goes to a convention, a speed-dating thing, or any other social setting, if one finds zero interesting people among all the alternatives, the problem isn't with everyone else.

When I did a search using OkCupid, of the seven women who came up a match within an hour's drive, six of them lived in the northern suburbs of Detroit. That's a minor inconvenience, not a long-distance relationship. There are fans in Windsor and in London.

Relationships require finding what's good in other people. It's that simple.