Informal Poll

[jeffreyab]

How long does it take you to get over the end of a relationship?

Bonus: Suggest ways to expedite the process other than getting back on the relationship horse, since there aren't any horses in the paddock right now.

Burying myself in work is just stressing me out.

Comments

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I am trying to change Sarnia, I did start a book club and a literary convention at the library.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I know. But Sarnia is small, it's not really close to much, and it's not exactly Silicon Valley.

If you can't find fannish friends, there are mundane activities that serve similar emotional needs. You can join a charity, or a political organization. Or take classes at the local university; there's lots of interesting single women taking night classes, if one has time and/or interest.

From what I've observed and read, demographics is heavily in favor of straight single men over 35. Shouldn't be that hard to find women.

I could say that the way to find the right person is not to look. If you're the right person for someone else, you will find them nearby. Be an interesting person, and people will want to know you.

Okay, that's kind of abstract, so I'm going to share not one but two surefire ways to find women:

* Write for publication. Being known for having a creative mind gets people's attention. I am not kidding you, if you write something that someone else has read and liked, they are going to want to talk to you when they meet you.

* Get a puppy and walk the puppy in a well-travelled neighborhood or park. Get one with a cute face. The puppy's personality is important, but the puppy's personality is strongly influenced by the owner, i.e. an owner who is gentle, attentive, and entertaining with his dog will end up with a dog who is trusting and engaging. When Cusidhe was little, I would walk two hundred yards from my front door and back and have three or four conversations with strangers. This was wasted on me, but it was an interesting effect to observe.

That just takes care of the first step. There's a difference between making friends, keeping friends, and translating a friendship into a relationship. I haven't needed anything more than friendship. But I have helped three friends find husbands, so I do have an understanding of the dynamic.

In simple terms, you have to find happiness first before you can share it. That's the hard part.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I can find single women over 35 just not any I anywhere compatible with.

Usually we have incompatible annoying habits.

Dogwise my house and schedule would not be nice for a dog.

I am dyslexic but I will look into the publishing thing.

Took classes but it did not pan out except I am a better photographer and cook!

Truthfully I lack the free time and energy for charities and our political scene leaves something to be desired.

Sarnia is a town of the Old and the married and the very young.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Took classes but it did not pan out except I am a better photographer and cook!

But doing something like that makes you a more interesting person, gives you something to talk about, and now you can cook dinner for a potential date. It's still a good thing to do.

And seriously, do you know anyone who will lend you their dog? Dogs are total chick magnets.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I can find single women over 35 just not any I anywhere compatible with.

Usually we have incompatible annoying habits.

You may want to change your perception. First thing is, when you're talking to a friend (or a potential friend), focus on them. Act like they're the only person that matters.

Imagine that you're on a desert island, and you're not going to have any other human being to talk to for ten years. In this situation, are the other person's characteristics "annoying habits" or just cute little quirks?

I was at a convention sitting at a bid table, and a slight acquaintance just sat down and talking at me, and I do mean "at". After five or ten minutes of my nodding my head and saying, "Mm-hmm," a few times, I realized the person had some characteristics that one might find annoying: she didn't listen when I talked, didn't seem like she'd showered as recently as she should, her hall costume was a bit bedraggled, she was kind of whiny with an annoying tone in her voice. I've met people like this before. My sister-in-law teaches a class for kids with behavioral problems, most of whom are sort of high-functioning borderline autistic, i.e. they want to communicate with people, they just don't know how to assimilate social input. This person was a bit like that. Anyway, point is, I realized that I could allow myself to get irritated at her negative aspects, or I could just accept them as quirks and bask in female attention. All she wanted was someone to listen to her, because her life was really hard at that moment and she didn't have anybody else to talk to. I chose to accept her. We've become moderately good friends. Turns out she's more lucid in writing, and I've encouraged her to focus on her writing, and after a year or two of scribbling this kind of stream-of-consciousness role-playing journal, she eventually found a voice and she's now writing some interesting stories that may find publication.

Had I been single, the friendship could have gone further. I would have given some advice about hair and clothes. But the fact that I was her friend gave her a measure of confidence so that she is able to make other friends more easily now.

Keep in mind that friendship isn't about what other people can do for you, it's about what you can do for them.

Truthfully I lack the free time and energy for charities and our political scene leaves something to be desired.

You control your life. You need to figure out your priorities and then you need to assign time and energy to your priorities.

marahsk used to drive two hours each way every weekend, for years, because she wanted a social life. The effort paid off, some years later.

I am dyslexic but I will look into the publishing thing.

(You're a dyslexic librarian?)

Computers can spell. Writing isn't about spelling, it's about creating ideas and presenting them in an organized way.

Sarnia is a town of the Old and the married and the very young.

You can be young. I work with a bunch of people who are all quite a bit younger than me. As I put it, I cultivate immaturity. :) I watch WB. And I'm older than you. You can relate to people twenty years younger, or twenty years older, you just have to find things in common with them. The advantage one has in being older is that one can accrete an interesting aura; in other words, we have so many more opportunities to say, "Been there, done that."

You don't have to move to look for work. You can shop your resume around in email and on web sites. Might take a year or three, but so what?

What I'm hearing is that you don't feel like you have choices. You do. Some of your choices involve risk or effort. It's up to you to decide what's important. Think about what you want to have done ten years from now, and start doing that.

If you can find a way to feel positive about your life, the relationship aspect will probably sort itself out.