Informal Poll

[jeffreyab]

How long does it take you to get over the end of a relationship?

Bonus: Suggest ways to expedite the process other than getting back on the relationship horse, since there aren't any horses in the paddock right now.

Burying myself in work is just stressing me out.

Comments

[kgkofmel.livejournal.com]

Depends on what you mean by "get over" and "relationshp". Also how long the relationship lasted and how it ended.

After my last major relationship (6.5 years, including some living together) I set myself a minimum one-year no-relationship zone. I think it actually took closer to 2.5 years to get totally sorted about.

I don't actually recommend just finding another horse. It works sometimes for some people, and just gets other folks into trouble.

I spent the year talking to friends about my relationship, their relationships, what was love, what was I looking for, what should I be looking for. I had an affair. I finally identified a major troublespot in my relationships and learned how to recognize the problem.

I spent time with and on myself. I focused on my projects, I spent time with friends, I got involved in some new activities, I tried to meet knew people. I read, I watched movies, I cooked. I tried to take chances.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

It was actually a prerelationship but emotionally it was more than I have done a long while.

By get over I mean no more emotional punches in the stomach when I see the "never was" with someone else.

Most of my Sarnia friends are as emotionally bitter/jaded as I am and I do not see my out of town friends enough to compensate.
I am looking for a spiritual match not a physical one as my spirtual needs are much more important than my physical ones.
Although some physical affection is nice.

I am in grind mode at work and it is consuming me emotionally.

I am planning how to take some time off right now.

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

It was actually a prerelationship but emotionally it was more than I have done a long while.

BTDT. See:http://www.livejournal.com/users/pi3832/

By get over I mean no more emotional punches in the stomach when I see the "never was" with someone else.

I find it helps to focus on myself and not the other person. As soon as the other rejects you, s/he just don't really matter in your life anymore.

And remember that your feelings for her/him are really about you. I mean, they exist inside of you, they're a part of you. So enjoy them. I mean, an unrequited love is, in my opinion, better than emptiness. Think of it as a reminder that love isn't just a story that other people tell. You really can feel it, too.

I am looking for a spiritual match not a physical one as my spirtual needs are much more important than my physical ones.
Although some physical affection is nice.

Oh please: if you don't want to fuck him/her you'll never be a couple. Good friends maybe, but nothing more.

I am in grind mode at work and it is consuming me emotionally.
I am planning how to take some time off right now.

The sooner the better. It sounds like you've lost your life to your job. You thought this relationship would bring you your life back, but when that fell through, so did all your hope.

Okay, maybe I'm just projecting.

But, anyway, I've read that "Loneliness means your life has no purpose." I agree. You can be alone and not be lonely. You can be with someone and still feel alone.

My advice is to figure out some kind of long-term goal for yourself and do a little something to advance you toward that goal.

But what the hell do I know?

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify It wasn't that I didn't want to fuck them it was rather that the time we would be together not fucking that is more important to me given that that is the majority of the time in any relationship where one is over forty.

And no viagra is not an option.

I definitely have a job that soaks up alot of my time.

Two nights a week and every other weekend.

Why do you think the stereotypical librarian is a spinster?

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

How long does it take you to get over the end of a relationship?

I don't think there's one right answer. It depends on the nature of the relationship, and what it meant to you. Basically, it takes as long as it takes; some people still feel something long after they've moved on to someone else.

All I can suggest is to put the time into something you enjoy doing (not just work).

I think you're quite a catch; there are a lot of women who would be lucky to find you, so hopefully you will find one of them.

[splendy.livejournal.com]

Myself, I'm only 19 and I've only been in one serious relationship... which is the one I'm still involved with now. We've been together a little over 2 years.

I can't really say how I deal with relationships ending because I've never really gone through it before, and also because even if I had, I would have been too young and immature for it to count.

I imagine though, if my relationship with Chris ended, it'd be very hard on me because I'm so emotionally attached to him and I don't think I'd know how to function without him as I normally do with him in my life.

I'd probably just try and spend more time away from the computer (because this is where I talk to him the most), more time with my friends, and I find that watching movies or listening to music that draws a connection to the way I feel helps a lot. So I'd probably just cry it out and wallow until the feelings started to fade.

Other than that, I would definately focus more energy on things that would take my mind off him and give me something else to be excited for, because that's important. It's a huge help if you have something else in your life to look forward to. For example, I could see myself saving money for a trip somewhere because it's something I love to do, and treating myself would really be a booster I think.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I think part of it is that right now all my living expenses are going up and I am having to ration my money more and that also depresses me.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I'd have to broaden the definition of "relationship" to include close friends to be able to understand the question.

But the basic method, as other people are describing is: Find a group of people who like doing fun things, and do fun things with them. For any social problem, having friends will help.

And your friends don't have to be entirely in person. You can have friends you mostly see online.

I pretty much think Sarnia is most of the problem you're having, but I can't suggest a cure for that.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I am trying to change Sarnia, I did start a book club and a literary convention at the library.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I know. But Sarnia is small, it's not really close to much, and it's not exactly Silicon Valley.

If you can't find fannish friends, there are mundane activities that serve similar emotional needs. You can join a charity, or a political organization. Or take classes at the local university; there's lots of interesting single women taking night classes, if one has time and/or interest.

From what I've observed and read, demographics is heavily in favor of straight single men over 35. Shouldn't be that hard to find women.

I could say that the way to find the right person is not to look. If you're the right person for someone else, you will find them nearby. Be an interesting person, and people will want to know you.

Okay, that's kind of abstract, so I'm going to share not one but two surefire ways to find women:

* Write for publication. Being known for having a creative mind gets people's attention. I am not kidding you, if you write something that someone else has read and liked, they are going to want to talk to you when they meet you.

* Get a puppy and walk the puppy in a well-travelled neighborhood or park. Get one with a cute face. The puppy's personality is important, but the puppy's personality is strongly influenced by the owner, i.e. an owner who is gentle, attentive, and entertaining with his dog will end up with a dog who is trusting and engaging. When Cusidhe was little, I would walk two hundred yards from my front door and back and have three or four conversations with strangers. This was wasted on me, but it was an interesting effect to observe.

That just takes care of the first step. There's a difference between making friends, keeping friends, and translating a friendship into a relationship. I haven't needed anything more than friendship. But I have helped three friends find husbands, so I do have an understanding of the dynamic.

In simple terms, you have to find happiness first before you can share it. That's the hard part.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I can find single women over 35 just not any I anywhere compatible with.

Usually we have incompatible annoying habits.

Dogwise my house and schedule would not be nice for a dog.

I am dyslexic but I will look into the publishing thing.

Took classes but it did not pan out except I am a better photographer and cook!

Truthfully I lack the free time and energy for charities and our political scene leaves something to be desired.

Sarnia is a town of the Old and the married and the very young.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Took classes but it did not pan out except I am a better photographer and cook!

But doing something like that makes you a more interesting person, gives you something to talk about, and now you can cook dinner for a potential date. It's still a good thing to do.

And seriously, do you know anyone who will lend you their dog? Dogs are total chick magnets.

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I can find single women over 35 just not any I anywhere compatible with.

Usually we have incompatible annoying habits.

You may want to change your perception. First thing is, when you're talking to a friend (or a potential friend), focus on them. Act like they're the only person that matters.

Imagine that you're on a desert island, and you're not going to have any other human being to talk to for ten years. In this situation, are the other person's characteristics "annoying habits" or just cute little quirks?

I was at a convention sitting at a bid table, and a slight acquaintance just sat down and talking at me, and I do mean "at". After five or ten minutes of my nodding my head and saying, "Mm-hmm," a few times, I realized the person had some characteristics that one might find annoying: she didn't listen when I talked, didn't seem like she'd showered as recently as she should, her hall costume was a bit bedraggled, she was kind of whiny with an annoying tone in her voice. I've met people like this before. My sister-in-law teaches a class for kids with behavioral problems, most of whom are sort of high-functioning borderline autistic, i.e. they want to communicate with people, they just don't know how to assimilate social input. This person was a bit like that. Anyway, point is, I realized that I could allow myself to get irritated at her negative aspects, or I could just accept them as quirks and bask in female attention. All she wanted was someone to listen to her, because her life was really hard at that moment and she didn't have anybody else to talk to. I chose to accept her. We've become moderately good friends. Turns out she's more lucid in writing, and I've encouraged her to focus on her writing, and after a year or two of scribbling this kind of stream-of-consciousness role-playing journal, she eventually found a voice and she's now writing some interesting stories that may find publication.

Had I been single, the friendship could have gone further. I would have given some advice about hair and clothes. But the fact that I was her friend gave her a measure of confidence so that she is able to make other friends more easily now.

Keep in mind that friendship isn't about what other people can do for you, it's about what you can do for them.

Truthfully I lack the free time and energy for charities and our political scene leaves something to be desired.

You control your life. You need to figure out your priorities and then you need to assign time and energy to your priorities.

marahsk used to drive two hours each way every weekend, for years, because she wanted a social life. The effort paid off, some years later.

I am dyslexic but I will look into the publishing thing.

(You're a dyslexic librarian?)

Computers can spell. Writing isn't about spelling, it's about creating ideas and presenting them in an organized way.

Sarnia is a town of the Old and the married and the very young.

You can be young. I work with a bunch of people who are all quite a bit younger than me. As I put it, I cultivate immaturity. :) I watch WB. And I'm older than you. You can relate to people twenty years younger, or twenty years older, you just have to find things in common with them. The advantage one has in being older is that one can accrete an interesting aura; in other words, we have so many more opportunities to say, "Been there, done that."

You don't have to move to look for work. You can shop your resume around in email and on web sites. Might take a year or three, but so what?

What I'm hearing is that you don't feel like you have choices. You do. Some of your choices involve risk or effort. It's up to you to decide what's important. Think about what you want to have done ten years from now, and start doing that.

If you can find a way to feel positive about your life, the relationship aspect will probably sort itself out.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

What about "Leave Sarnia and move to where your friends are?"

Sometimes the problem really is that the town is too small to offer enough people for you to find what you're looking for. If most of your friends live somewhere else, that might be a hint. BTDT, live in Toronto now. :) If moving isn't practical, then make the effort to be with the people who care about you. Or maybe I'm projecting. :)

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Careerwise I am pretty much stuck here in Sarnia.

Reference librarians do not move around unless their spouse gets transferred or they quit to have kids or they retire.

Sarnia's small mindedness is part of it. It has been a very specialized chemical industry town of high wages that has only lately realized it has to change.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Reference librarians do not move around unless their spouse gets transferred or they quit to have kids or they retire.

So you're saying there wouldn't be openings in a new place? I'm sorry to hear that.

Sarnia's small mindedness is part of it. It has been a very specialized chemical industry town of high wages that has only lately realized it has to change.

That puts it ahead of Buffalo, which insists that it's a great city in which to live and work, even though that hasn't been true since the 1970's. Of course, their mindset is 30 years behind the times, so by that standard their glory days aren't that far behind them. :)

But I had trouble with the small-minded, provinical mind-set too. Now I just go back for the occasional pizza or hot dog.

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Well - hmm - when I was in between relationships (as in divorced and recovering) I went through a phase where instead of listening to delightfully maudlin break up music (a favorite phase I usually go through) I took personal pride in dating myself as it were. I bought myself flowers, I got myself cool new sex toys and erotica just to use with myself, I made sure to do nice things for myself. It just helped me to trust my belief that if I loved myself someone else would love me too. Then I had a really entertaining and passionate rebound relationship then I met my "one true love" (tm) and got married for the second and probably last time. I'd say that you should try to enjoy life as much as possible and treat yourself well and surround yourself as much as possible with people you like - you'll get some new horses eventually.

Hugs

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

New toys only last so long and tehy cost money.

Most erotica now makes me feel guilty or weird.
I am too old for the young ones and the mature stuff is for young guys with old people fetishes.

Lately the new horses have been somebody elses or camels.

Me time

[scottij.livejournal.com]

I hope it doesn't sound too trite, but I always find that taking some extra time to indulge myself really pays off. It's a good way to get back in touch with yourself after a difficult period.

Get out, do some things you always want to do but always tell yourself you never have time for. Go to a museum or rock climbing or to a book store or whatever it is that floats your boat. Eat some ice cream. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while.

Anyway, that's what has always worked for me.

Good luck, Jeff.