The Theory and Practice of Relationships

[jeffreyab]

I am looking for people's thought on relationships. I have been thinking about relationships lately since I am at the point in my life where it is going to take a real effort to meet people with whom I at all compatible.

Are they necessary?

If you are in one what effect does it have on your life?
How did you meet the person?
What keeps the two of you together?
I was wondering how much commonality people have. Was it love at first sight or something that grew more slowly?

If you are not in one why not?
Have you been in one before or have you always been single?

Comments

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

I mean there is no rule that I have to date someone I do not find attractive at all? Nope. And I'd recommend against it. Attraction is part of the package, at least now-a-days it is. I guess there were marriages that were "good" and lasted that were arranged in days past, and probably some still today in certain cultures but I would guess that truly emotionally satisfying marriages like that are few and far between and that those which work have an element of attraction that is luck.

Here's a wacky thought and probably a therapist is a much better person to ask about this issue than me but... have you thought about moving? I mean finding a job in a more cosmopolitan city where the pool of like-minded women will be larger and you'll be less of a "weirdo"? Seriously, it sounds like a relationship is something really important to you and if so, maybe it is worth upturning your life to try to achieve it? I didn't want to leave Ann Arbor much but I'm glad I followed Ed (since him moving to A2 was not an option at the time).

Anyway I do hope you find what you are looking for. It looked like in a past comment you mentioned that you are in a relationship? Is it very tenative or does it have complications like distance?

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Given my age and career moving now would be very hard.

Full time librarian jobs are hard to get.

I have a few friendships with women but no relationships.

I usually stumble over the mutual attraction thing, I like them they don't like me, they like me but I do not like them.

The age old story.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Given my age and career moving now would be very hard.

Full time librarian jobs are hard to get.

It sounds like you have a choice to make: You have to decide whether the upheaval of uprooting yourself and moving to a place where it would be "very hard" to find a job in your field would be worth living in a place with like-minded women who would consider you a good catch instead of weird.

I was faced with exactly that choice, and I moved. The job part was hell: NOTHING in my field (it didn't help that my field was IT and the year was 2002), and a bias against anyone without Canadian experience. I went back to school and changed fields, then back into the job market with NO experience. It was hell, but I could've moved back and gotten a job (but been alone), and I didn't.

It's a hard choice, and you have to choose what's best for you.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Marah correct me if I am wrong but you met your partner and then moved right?

I think for guys its a bigger choice since society frowns upon males that do not keep up their end of things economically.

I also stick around Sarnia for family reasons too.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Marah correct me if I am wrong but you met your partner and then moved right?

That's true, I didn't move permanently until after I'd met him; but I met him in Toronto because I was already spending every weekend/day off there. The travel was exhausting, but I had a social life, and I met my husband through mutual friends in Toronto. Even if I hadn't met him, it would have been worth it to me to have a social life with like-minded people.

I wouldn't suggest that you pick up and move to Toronto or Ann Arbor, but coming in more often for events that interest you would at least be fun.

I think for guys its a bigger choice since society frowns upon males that do not keep up their end of things economically.

There's some truth to that, but these days, single women who can't support themselves aren't exactly looked up to either, and married women who aren't contributing financially are usually raising children (or live with someone who can afford to support them).

I also stick around Sarnia for family reasons too.

That's why it's a hard choice, and one that no one else can make for you. But if you say that you can't find anyone compatible in Sarnia, but that you want to stay there, there aren't too many other alternatives.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I used to go to Michigan for the same reasons you went to Toronto but it has not yet panned out for me or rather it did but did not work out in the long run.

Now I just do not enjoy the commute and feel there is a lack of dating opportunities in Michigan.

Everyone is pretty much paired up and when they break up I cannot be there enough to date before they monogamy up again.

Actually Stilyagi as a group has gotten much more Ann Arbor centric and does not offer as much to an out of towner.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

I used to go to Michigan for the same reasons you went to Toronto but it has not yet panned out for me or rather it did but did not work out in the long run.

Fair enough. You gave it a shot.

Now I just do not enjoy the commute and feel there is a lack of dating opportunities in Michigan.

Well, of course you don't enjoy the commute! The commute SUCKS! Whoever said that getting there is half the fun never had a long distance relationship. Come to think of it, he probably never traveled by plane or car, either.

It still occurs to me in odd moments (on Sunday evenings) how glad I am that I don't have that 2-hour drive ahead of me.

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

I should probably shut up and let people who know you better comment and/or a therapist who is trained in this sort of thing but...

Given my age and career moving now would be very hard.
Full time librarian jobs are hard to get.

True, and I'm not trying to make light of it, but seriously, people do find jobs in other areas, people do move mid career, it's something you could look into if you thought it might increase your chances of finding a solid relationship enough. It's a gamble but then much of life is. Also, I don't really know how high a priority a lifepartner type relationship is for you, it was sounding to me like it might genuinely be more important to you than your career. If that is the case you can see why I said moving, even if it meant somehow taking a detour in your career, might be worth considering. Then again, if you love your job it might not be worth it, I was just trying to throw out some possibilities you might not have considered.

I have a few friendships with women but no relationships.
I usually stumble over the mutual attraction thing, I like them they don't like me, they like me but I do not like them.

Or you are looking at the "wrong sort" of women - by which I only mean women who don't actually have enough in common with you. I had a friend who always seemed attracted to these "model" looking women who tended usually to be really mundane and not an intellectual match for him at all. But that could be totally not the case with you!

Or - you are spectacularly bad at reading signals and you only think they do not like you?? I have seen this happen with guys, especially fannish guys. If you have close friendships with women grill them about it - see if you are good at "reading womanspeak". :-)

Ok - well - I'll shut up now and let those who know you better be of help. I just hate to see you so defeatest about something it seems you care about so much. :-( I can't help it, I've pretty much run my adult life by this quote of Goethe and, for me anyway, so far it has worked pretty much everytime I really commit to something:

Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too... All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred a whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man or woman could have dreamt would have come his or her way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius power and magic in it... Begin it now.” (Goethe)

Good luck!