Happiness

[jeffreyab]

In reference to my earlier post I have been trying to build up my social capital. This is particularly important in relation to a recent article in the Sunday Science section of the Toronto Star which relates lasting happiness to the people in our lives rather than to the toys we own. It basically says while the toys will increase our happiness for a little while its our companions in life who give us the most happiness. I think we can include partner and family in this.
Just thought that people should know.

Comments

Dating

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

My problem is that I have never been very good at this and so tend to follow the path of least resistance.

My social life consists of people like me self just getting by and people who have been rejected by other people. It means I get to date a lot of people as weird as me but not weird in the way I am. I think this is the University factor. I went away to school and then got into Science Fiction Fandom so I enjoy a level of different that makes them uncomfortable. Most of them are indifferent to SF at best and at worst find it childish.

The other group is people for whom life has not worked out the way they thought it would and now they face building a new life that they have to merge with the surviving parts of the old. The most common example being the divorced woman with one or more children. Again this is a group that I find myself having little in common with having not been put in this situation since the age of eight when I was one of the kids. My mom never dated again and my dad is on his third marriage.

Any dating advice would be welcome.

What has worked well for you in the past?

What is the basis of a good relationship for you?

How did/do you get there?

What are pitfalls or behaviors to avoid?

Re: Dating

[kgkofmel.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I'd call this dating advice, because I don't date very well. I do seem to have built some strong and long-lived relationships, though, as well as some that just didn't really work out.

What has worked well for you in the past?
This is going to sound kind of vague, but what has worked well for me has been meeting people who are interested in similar things and have the time and effort to put into building a friendship or serious relationship, and who are then flexible enough to maintain it over time and distance and the change both those factors bring.

What is the basis of a good relationship for you?
Mutual affection, mutual respect, caring, common interests, the ability to be independent and to allow independence, the ability to give support and to require support, shared core values (not all values necessarily, but the core ones [and its surprising sometimes what those turn out to be]). I think that is basic an any good relationship, friendly, romantic, or primarily sexual. For friends (or casual sexual partners) I think also the ability to accept separations and returns as part of the deal; to wish someone well and support their desire to move to Botswana to do volunteer work and welcome them back when they come home.

How did/do you get there?
Good luck, hard work, bitten tongues, accepting apologies, offering apologies, overlooking unimportant flaws, friends choosing to overlook unimportant flaws, deciding when being right was less important that being friends, learning who could tolerate what ideas, what language, and what facets of my life, listening to my gut reactions and avoiding people who repeatedly hurt me or on whom I may be hurting myself, drinking lots of coffee and staying up late.

And above all, taking the risk of trying to meet and get to know someone, even though there is always the chance it won't work out, or won't work out as expected/desired.

All that being said, I have to say that I find the number of people I add to the closer-in-rings of my network gets smaller as I get older. And having moved to Houston without a job or school to go too has emphasized what I already knew: work and school are two of the major places we meet people, and forming intense relationships happens less frequently as one gets older.

I also, at one point (when I moved back to TO in '98) made the decision not to get seriously involved with anyone for at least a year. Which doesn't mean I didn't date or have flings, but I did not get into a committed relationship. That actually went for about three years.

I think I was inordinately lucky to meet Mark when I did. But I was also very careful about the relationship as it developed. Having learned the importance of core values I deliberately explored the concept for myself and examined what I could of his. I reality checked with my friends, and I noted the absence of serious stress, heartache and that sinking feeling in my stomach that I now recognize as a sign that someone is trying to manipulate me.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

I agree about having fewer friends as you get older.

The walls I am running into are that I no longer have the physical and financial resources to maintain secondary long distance realtionships.

And here in town other people my age are shaving down the size of their groups not lookng to make new friends.

What frustrats me too is that my friends in town are not a group but a bunch of individuals I know.

None of whom have any single female friends although they all have advice which would have been more useful to me 20 to 30 years ago when I was in school.

[kgkofmel.livejournal.com]

I no longer have the physical and financial resources to maintain secondary long distance realtionships

Perhaps there is a need to revisit what a long distance secondary relationship is.

Mind you, I'm answering in the dark here, because I don't know what you mean by that phrase, and specifically the designation "secondary."

I have a far-flung web of friends, some of whom I have not seen in years. Some of those I correspond with intermittently, some I don't. The key for me (and I think thus for our friendship) is that their place in the web is always there, and I guess they must hold a place for me in their web too, because we are able to step back into contact without much disturbance.

I sometimes wish my friends were more of a group, but they are not. They form a network of individuals. Or we relate as a network of individuals, even when I am relating to more than one member of a group. I suspect this says more about me than about them. I don't do groups very well, in my opinion.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Well by secondary I mean having a relationship with someone for whom you are not one of their best friends even if to you they are one of your best friends.

Long distance is anything over 15 to 20 minutes which includes Port Huron if the border wait is slow.

Finally as I get older I find I am losing friends and even strong acquaintences as they move farther away, follow different interests we no longer have in common, and make new stronger realtionships with less or no room for me.