Happiness

[jeffreyab]

In reference to my earlier post I have been trying to build up my social capital. This is particularly important in relation to a recent article in the Sunday Science section of the Toronto Star which relates lasting happiness to the people in our lives rather than to the toys we own. It basically says while the toys will increase our happiness for a little while its our companions in life who give us the most happiness. I think we can include partner and family in this.
Just thought that people should know.

Comments

Re: Dating

[kgkofmel.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I'd call this dating advice, because I don't date very well. I do seem to have built some strong and long-lived relationships, though, as well as some that just didn't really work out.

What has worked well for you in the past?
This is going to sound kind of vague, but what has worked well for me has been meeting people who are interested in similar things and have the time and effort to put into building a friendship or serious relationship, and who are then flexible enough to maintain it over time and distance and the change both those factors bring.

What is the basis of a good relationship for you?
Mutual affection, mutual respect, caring, common interests, the ability to be independent and to allow independence, the ability to give support and to require support, shared core values (not all values necessarily, but the core ones [and its surprising sometimes what those turn out to be]). I think that is basic an any good relationship, friendly, romantic, or primarily sexual. For friends (or casual sexual partners) I think also the ability to accept separations and returns as part of the deal; to wish someone well and support their desire to move to Botswana to do volunteer work and welcome them back when they come home.

How did/do you get there?
Good luck, hard work, bitten tongues, accepting apologies, offering apologies, overlooking unimportant flaws, friends choosing to overlook unimportant flaws, deciding when being right was less important that being friends, learning who could tolerate what ideas, what language, and what facets of my life, listening to my gut reactions and avoiding people who repeatedly hurt me or on whom I may be hurting myself, drinking lots of coffee and staying up late.

And above all, taking the risk of trying to meet and get to know someone, even though there is always the chance it won't work out, or won't work out as expected/desired.

All that being said, I have to say that I find the number of people I add to the closer-in-rings of my network gets smaller as I get older. And having moved to Houston without a job or school to go too has emphasized what I already knew: work and school are two of the major places we meet people, and forming intense relationships happens less frequently as one gets older.

I also, at one point (when I moved back to TO in '98) made the decision not to get seriously involved with anyone for at least a year. Which doesn't mean I didn't date or have flings, but I did not get into a committed relationship. That actually went for about three years.

I think I was inordinately lucky to meet Mark when I did. But I was also very careful about the relationship as it developed. Having learned the importance of core values I deliberately explored the concept for myself and examined what I could of his. I reality checked with my friends, and I noted the absence of serious stress, heartache and that sinking feeling in my stomach that I now recognize as a sign that someone is trying to manipulate me.