Informal Poll on Love and Friendship

[jeffreyab]

Here are some questions I am looking for different answers to:


What is love to you?

What is true love? and does it matter?

For that matter what is friendship?

What is an affair?

How does one have "an affair?"

Should I have try to have for the experience it would give me?

Knowing what you do about me what should I be looking for in a partner?

What is a good way to find women if your are over forty and do not live in a big city or a college town?
(For example contra dancing is out so is moving for economic reasons.)

Comments

I might as well set a baseline answer.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

What is love to you?

Love is having a communication connection, sexual attraction, a soul mate, someone who mostly understands you and whom you mostly understand in the long term. Someone who shares your worldview and way of living and your sense of humour.

What is true love? and does it matter?

See above and I am not sure.

For that matter what is friendship?

A friend is someone who calls you up without prompting just to see how you are, a friend helps you move, a friend is someone who mostly accepts you and enjoys your company.

What is an affair?

A sexual relationship without a longterm commitment or a booty call or a fuck buddy? I am not sure.

How does one have "an affair?"

If I knew I would not ask.

Should I have try to have for the experience it would give me?

Knowing what you do about me what should I be looking for in a partner?

Traits I will see based on past experience: she will be a victim of abuse, she will use too much alcohol, tobacco or food, she will be older and more sexually experienced than me and will be confused or intimidated by my lack of experience.

What is a good way to find women if your are over forty and do not live in a big city or a college town?
(For example contra dancing is out so is moving for economic reasons.)

So far I have tried joining a health club, hanging out at bars, starting a book club, using personal ads in the newspaper and online, taken courses in cooking, photography, sociology of women, bachelor auctions, and letting my sister fix me up.

Re: I might as well set a baseline answer.

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

What is love to you?

I seperate being "in love" from "loving" someone. Being "in love" is easy. It's chemical. It just happens.

"Loving" someone takes work. It's when the easy, being "in love" bit wears off. Then you have to decide if you're willing to put the effort into maintaining the relationship.

This happens with friends as well as lovers. At some point your relationship starts requiring effort to maintain it. If you're willing to put in that effort, that's love.

What is true love? and does it matter?

"True love" is device used by writers and other artist. It's hype. Love does not conquer all. You can love someone with all your heart, and things still may not work out.

For that matter what is friendship?

"A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body."

That's a joke but it's kind of true. Think of your friends. Now, think of which ones you'd be willing to help do anything.

Me, I've got one. And thank God I've got him.

What is an affair?

Haven't a clue.

How does one have "an affair?"

If you find out, will you let me know?

Should I have try to have for the experience it would give me?

I'm there with you. I think about such things not so much in terms of "experience" but rather in terms of "it's better than watching TV."

Are you worried about your experience in having sex? Or perhaps a lack thereof? BTDT, found out it wasn't that big of a deal--in a real relationship. I guess it might be an issue in an affair.

Knowing what you do about me what should I be looking for in a partner?

Have we met?

What is a good way to find women if your are over forty and do not live in a big city or a college town?

If you find out the answer to this, let me know. (Well, change "over forty" to "over thirty," and Bob's your uncle.)

Re: I might as well set a baseline answer.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Lack of experience overall and especially with women my age.

I have been on the relationship beach since about 1999.

I have also tried amateur theatre.

Re: I might as well set a baseline answer.

[pi3832.livejournal.com]

Lack of experience overall and especially with women my age.

Fuggetaboudit. You can't change your past, and going through the motions merely for "the experience" is just going to highlight how unsatisfying empty relationships are. IMO.

I have been on the relationship beach since about 1999.

Five years? Get back to me in 2006, then you can top me for dry spells.

I have also tried amateur theatre.

Personally, I found that doing things in order to "meet someone" just never work out. I dunno why. Maybe I just give off some kind of creepy vibe in those situations, or maybe God just has a twisted sense of humor.

I've repeatedly considered using a dating service of some sort, but then I wonder if I wouldn't just be better off spending the money in a strip club. At least there's no confusion about anyone's motive there.


Ah, screw it. What do I know? Look, my major point here is: get over it. Women are baffling, frustrating, wonderful beings, and God only knows why they make the choices they do.

Live your life. Be happy. If an opportunity for a relationship presents itself, pursue it with sincerety and honesty. If it doesn't work out, get back to riding motorcycles or whatever it is you do that makes you feel alive and happy.


I recently said to a friend, "I've never really dated much," and he replied, casually, "Of course not, you're weird."

He tried to pile on hopeful statements after that, but there you are. I'm weird. I'm guessing you're weird. Not like icky, National Enquirier weird, just different from most guys. Some chicks dig that, but not many--face it, most people strive to be average. Cross your fingers and hope for the best, but don't waste your otherwise valuable time worrying about it.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

What is love to you?

I think it was Heinlein who said "love is when another person's happiness is vital to your own." I like that. Also, when just being with the person is as important as having sex with them.

What is true love? and does it matter?

I don't know that there is a difference between "love" and "true love." Does it matter? It does to me. Knowing that someone loves me and that I love him back makes everything sweeter and better. Sex with someone you love is more than just fucking, it's making love.

For that matter what is friendship?

People who you love, but who you aren't attracted to sexually. Other people might not agree with that definition.

What is an affair?

Sex with someone you don't love (or sex with someone you may or may not love, while you're married to someone else).

How does one have "an affair?"

It's not that different than trying to meet your life partner, except you just aren't as choosy. It's someone you're attracted to that probably won't work long term.

It works best if both parties are on the same page as to where the affair is going.

Should I have try to have for the experience it would give me?

That's not a question that I feel comfortable answering for someone else. The upside to an affair isn't so much the experience you get, but that knowing that someone likes you enough to have an affair with you can give you the confidence that other women will like you, too. When you approach women with that confidence, women pick up on it as a positive vibe and accept you as someone likeable.

Knowing what you do about me what should I be looking for in a partner?

Every single person has some annoying habits. The trick to a successful relationship is finding someone whose annoying habits you can live with, and vice versa.

Next, I'd say someone who you enjoy being with, and who you miss when she's not there. Love can grow from there.

What is a good way to find women if your are over forty and do not live in a big city or a college town?
(For example contra dancing is out so is moving for economic reasons.)

See if your friends know anyone they think would be a good match for you. Find things that you enjoy doing and that involve other people, and do them (in your case, SF cons are a good idea). Even if you don't find anyone there, going out and doing things makes you more interesting, so that when you do meet someone, you will have interests to talk about. It will also give you something positive to focus on.

Whatever you do, don't try too hard or dwell on it too much--if you give off "desperation" vibes, women will assume that if you're that desperate, there must be something wrong with you, and back off. Be interesting and fun to be with. Show interest in her, and listen to what she says (if her conversation is too boring to listen to, she's probably the wrong woman for you anyway).

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

Marah's advice on meeting people sounds as reasonable as anything I could say. Good advice.

I might quibble on "affair." To me, an affair is a ongoing relationship outside your primary relationship, the knowledge of which must be kept secret because it's a betrayal of your primary relationship. Affairs are definitely Not Good.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

That's the most common definition, but I've also heard affair to mean just "love affair." I assumed that's what Jeff is referring to, since he's not married and it didn't sound like he meant should he try to date a married woman.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

Yes there seems to be some conflict as to how to use this word.

Some use it for any sexual relationship outside of marriage and others use it for a secret sexual relationship when you are in a relationship.

[rmeidaking.livejournal.com]

What is love to you?
Love is a word that is so over-used in so many different ways that it really has lost its meaning. There is love for one's family and country, which is really loyalty; there is love for one's children which is largely inexplicable; and there is the connection one feels with another specific person which defies definition. I think you're talking about the last category.

What is true love? and does it matter?
It's a myth. No, it doesn't. Unless you're into writing fairy tales.

For that matter what is friendship?
There are a bunch of categories for friendship. There's a whole bunch that you can invite over for a party; ones that you'd ask to help in a crisis, and the ones that you will help when they have a crisis; ones who are pretty much like family, and the others you'd never let your family meet; those who are mostly just acquaintances who you see a couple of times a year; and the very few you can really let your guard down with. A true friend is someone who knows all about the dark side of you, and likes you and enjoys your company anyway.

What is an affair?
An affair is a way to play with sex without getting your true emotions involved. It takes the edge off of lust, but leaves a lot to be desired in terms of loyalty and trust.

How does one have "an affair?"
One finds someone who is physically attractive and in a similar mind-space, and one just does it. There are lots of movies to refer to if you want a 'How-to' manual.

Should I have try to have for the experience it would give me? Hmmmm, interesting question. I would have to say "Not right now" given the tone of your LJ postings. You'd wind up even more confused, because you have a big part of your psyche keyed to Finding Someone To Spend The Rest Of Your Life With, and that's not what an affair is about.

OTOH, it might take the edge off of your lust motive and allow you to see other potential partners as real people, without considering whether they're 'your type' physically.

Knowing what you do about me what should I be looking for in a partner?

I would say at this point that you should set a goal of exactly the opposite: That for six months you're not going to ask anyone out with a goal of starting a relationship, that you're going to turn down any offers you get for physical...um...relations, and tell the people around you that you're taking a vacation from the whole thing.

I think you need a passion other than a physical one. You can take a bunch of Meme tests to figure out what that might be. You need an all-consuming hobby. (Mine is genealogy. That's pretty boring, but one *can* meet people that way. Unfortunately, they tend to already be related to you. :-( ) You tell me what it might be. SF Fandom is not sufficiently all-consuming; there are only so many cons in a year, and you need a lot of people. You need something like bike riding or stamp collecting or knitting. Then join a group that does that. You share the passion, and eventually your social circle expands to include someone who's sister just got divorced, and they set you up and you suddenly get another kind of passion. But first, you have to have that other, non-sexual passion.

What is a good way to find women if your are over forty and do not live in a big city or a college town?
In the words of Dr. Phil, find a target-rich environment, and enter it looking and acting your best. Target-rich environments probably include book-discussion groups (which you've already started), knitting clubs, yoga classes, and your local community college. Take any course at all that would likely have a mostly female class list. Hang out in that cafeteria, and say hello to everyone, especially people you have no interest in physically.

That's what I would recommend to someone over 40 looking for more passion in his life. Find it in yourself. Then find someone to share that passion with.